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2007/12/26

Disorder In The Court...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:      No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY:   What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:      Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:      I forget.
ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY:   What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:      He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:   And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:      My name is Susan!
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ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS:      We both do.
ATTORNEY:   Voodoo?
WITNESS:      We do.
ATTORNEY:   You do?
WITNESS:      Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
                       about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:      Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY:   The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:      Uh, he's twenty.
______________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:   And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:      Uh... I was gett'in laid!
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   She had three children, right?
WITNESS:      Yes.
ATTORNEY:   How many were boys?
WITNESS:      None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Are you @?#% me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get
                       a new attorney?

__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:      by death.
ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:      Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:      He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:   Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:      Guess.
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I
                       sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:      No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:      All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase
                       that?

__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:      Oral.
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:      The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY:   And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:      No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
__________________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:      Huh... are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________________________________________________________

And the best for last:

 
ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:      No.
ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:      Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:   I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:      Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
2007/12/20

The real meaning of life




This is too precious not to share.... Merry Christmas

 
Added: November 09, 2007
(A Frank Lozano Production)
We have had a lot of requests to replay the phone call that Pastor Mike shared during our church service on Sunday, Nov. 11th, 2007.

Here you'll find the video clip that was created just for you. We've placed the video on YouTube so that you can watch it and share with family and friends.

Logan is a 13 year-old boy who lives on a ranch in a very small town in Nebraska. Logan listens to Christian Radio station 89.3FM KSBJ which broadcasts from Houston, TX. Logan called the radio station distraught because he had to take down a calf . His words have wisdom beyond his years.

Since airing the audio of the phone call and now the making of the video clip, it has taken on a life of its own. People are forwarding it all over the world. We encourage you to share the love of Christ with anyone you can.

(**Sky Angel is a family safe broadcasting service that is offered on satellite. KSBJ is a local Houston Christian music radio station. Video clip produced with love by www.FrankLozano.com
Hear the entire message at www.ValenciaHills.com)
 

Striving for a better tomorrow............Earl
2007/12/18

My quotes

"Hind sight is 20-20. Given that we would be back then again, we'd probably do the same things. For everything we did then, is what makes us what we are today." In reply to the question: You wake up one morning to find that your life has changed. You have gone back in time and nothing you had before exists. Do you change any of the mistakes you made? What do you do?
2007/12/17

Shoes in Church

I showered and shaved............... I adjusted my tie.
 
 I got there and sat.............. In a pew just in time.
 
 Bowing my head in prayer......... As I closed my eyes.
 
 I saw the shoe of the man next to me..... Touching my own. I sighed.
 
 With plenty of room on either side...... I thought, "Why must our soles touch?"
 
 It bothered me, his shoe touching mine... But it didn't bother him much.
 
 A prayer began: "Our Father"............. I thought, "This man with the shoes.. has no pride.
 
 They're dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there are holes on the side!"
 
 "Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on.
 
 The shoe man said............... a quiet "Amen."
 
 I tried to focus on the prayer....... But my thoughts were on his shoes again
 
 Aren't we supposed to look our best.. When walking through that door?
 
 "Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, Glancing toward the floor.
 
 Then the prayer was ended............ And the songs of praise began.
 
 The shoe man was certainly loud...... Sounding proud as he sang.
 
 His voice lifted the rafters......... His hands were raised high.
 
 The Lord could surely hear.. The shoe man's voice from the sky.
 
 It was time for the offering......... And what I threw in was steep.
 
 I watched as the shoe man reached.... Into his pockets so deep.
 
 I saw what was pulled out............ What the shoe man put in.
 
 Then I heard a soft "clink" . as when silver hits tin.
 
 The sermon really bored me.......... To tears, and that's no lie.
 
 It was the same for the shoe man..... For tears fell from his eyes.
 
 At the end of the service........ As is the custom here
 
 We must greet new visitors.. And show them all good cheer.
 
 But I felt moved somehow............. And wanted to meet the shoe man
 
 So after the closing prayer.......... I reached over and shook his hand.
 
 He was old and his skin was dark..... And his hair was truly a mess
 
 But I thanked him for coming......... For being our guest.
 
 He said, "My names' Charlie.......... I'm glad to meet you, my friend."
 
 There were tears in his eyes......... But he had a large, wide grin
 
 "Let me explain," he said........... Wiping tears from his eyes.
 
 "I've been coming here for months.... And you're the first to say 'Hi.'"
 
 "I know that my appearance........."Is not like all the rest
 
 "But I really do try................."To always look my best."
 
 "I always clean and polish my shoes.."Before my very long walk.
 
 "But by the time I get here........." They're dirty and dusty, like chalk."
 
 My heart filled with pain............ and I swallowed to hide my tears
 
 As he continued to apologize......... For daring to sit so near.
 
 He said, "When I get here..........."I know I must look a sight.
 
 "But I thought if I could touch you.." Then maybe our souls might unite."
 
 I was silent for a moment............ Knowing whatever was said
 
 Would pale in comparison... I spoke from my heart, not my head.
 
 "Oh, you've touched me," I said......"And taught me, in part;
 
 "That the best of any man............"Is what is found in his heart."
 
 The rest, I thought,................. This shoe man will never know.
 
 Like just how thankful I really am... That his dirty old shoe touched my soul
2007/12/16

For the Man Who Hated Christmas........

It's just a small, white envelope stuck among the branches of our Christmas tree. No name, no identification, no inscription. It has peeked through the branches of our tree for the past ten years or so.
It all began because my husband Mike hated Christmas--oh, not the true meaning of Christmas, but the commercial aspects of it--overspending... the frantic running around at the last minute to get a tie for Uncle Harry and the dusting powder for Grandma---the gifts given in desperation because you couldn't think of anything else.
Knowing he felt this way, I decided one year to bypass the usual shirts, sweaters, ties and so forth. I reached for something special just for Mike. The inspiration came in an unusual way.
Our son Kevin, who was 12 that year, was wrestling at the junior level at the school he attended; and shortly before Christmas, there was a non-league match against a team sponsored by an inner-city church. These youngsters, dressed in sneakers so ragged that shoestrings seemed to be the only thing holding them together, presented a sharp contrast to our boys in their spiffy blue and gold uniforms and sparkling new wrestling shoes. As the match began, I was alarmed to see that the other team was wrestling without headgear, a kind of light helmet designed to protect a wrestler's ears.
It was a luxury the ragtag team obviously could not afford. Well, we ended up walloping them. We took every weight class. And as each of their boys got up from the mat, he swaggered around in his tatters with false bravado, a kind of street pride that couldn't acknowledge defeat.
Mike, seated beside me, shook his head sadly, "I wish just one of them could have won," he said. "They have a lot of potential, but losing like this could take the heart right out of them." Mike loved kids - all kids - and he knew them, having coached little league football, baseball and lacrosse. That's when the idea for his present came. That afternoon, I went to a local sporting goods store and bought an assortment of wrestling headgear and shoes and sent them anonymously to the inner-city church. On Christmas Eve, I placed the envelope on the tree, the note inside telling Mike what I had done and that this was his gift from me. His smile was the brightest thing about Christmas that year and in succeeding years. For each Christmas, I followed the tradition--one year sending a group of mentally handicapped youngsters to a hockey game, another year a check to a pair of elderly brothers whose home had burned to the ground the week before Christmas, and on and on.
The envelope became the highlight of our Christmas. It was always the last thing opened on Christmas morning and our children, ignoring their new toys, would stand with wide-eyed anticipation as their dad lifted the envelope from the tree to reveal its contents.
As the children grew, the toys gave way to more practical presents, but the envelope never lost its allure. The story doesn't end there.
You see, we lost Mike last year due to dreaded cancer. When Christmas rolled around, I was still so wrapped in grief that I barely got the tree up. But Christmas Eve found me placing an envelope on the tree, and in the morning, it was joined by three more.
Each of our children, unbeknownst to the others, had placed an envelope on the tree for their dad. The tradition has grown and someday will expand even further with our grandchildren standing to take down the envelope.
Mike's spirit, like the Christmas spirit will always be with us.

~ Author Unknown~
2007/12/12

El Mostero: 5 nights of Pink Floyd

el monstero
December 21,22,23 Friday, Saturday, Sunday
KSHE 95 Presents

EL MONSTERO Y LOS MASKED AVENGERS
"WISH YOU WERE H
ERE: A TRIBUTE TO PINK FLOYD"
Doors: 7:00 PM   Show: 8:00 PM
General Admission - Limited Seating$22.00 in advance / $25.00 day of show
Reserved Balcony Seating$22.00 in advance / $25.00 day of show
Main Level: All Ages   Balcony: 21 & Older Only  


Buy Tickets Now

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

el monstero
December 28,29 Friday, Saturday
KSHE 95 Presents
EL MONSTERO Y LOS MASKED AVENGERS
"WISH YOU WERE HERE: A TRIBUTE TO PINK FLOYD"

Doors: 7:00 PM   Show: 8:00 PM
General Admission - Limited Seating$22.00 in advance / $25.00 day of show
Reserved Balcony Seating$22.00 in advance / $25.00 day of show
Main Level: All Ages   Balcony: 21 & Older Only  


Buy Tickets Now


        Click below for
Last years notes & pics

2007/12/11

Politics; Heaven or Hell?

Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter.

"Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the politician.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and grins menacingly.

"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"


2007/12/06

The AFLAC Scam

Watch out for this scam. Police say that the gang usually is comprised of four members, one adult and three younger ones.

While the three younger ones, all appearing sweet and innocent, divert their 'mark' (or intended target) with a show of friendliness, the fourth -- the adult -- sneaks in from behind the person's back to expertly rifle through his or her pockets and purses or bags for any valuables being carried.

The attached picture shows the gang in operation.Wink



2007/12/03

Thanks for checking in...

A minister passing through his church in the middle of the day, Decided to pause by the altar and see who had come to pray.

Just then the back door opened, a man came down the aisle, The minister frowned as he saw the man hadn't shaved in a while. His shirt was kind a shabby and his coat was worn and frayed, the man knelt, he bowed his head, Then rose and walked away.

In the days that followed, each
noon time came this chap, each time he knelt just for a moment, A lunch pail in his lap.

Well, the minister's suspicions grew, with robbery a main fear, He decided to stop the man and ask him, "What are you doing here?"

The old man said, he worked down the road.
Lunch was half an hour. Lunchtime was his prayer time, For finding strength and power.
"I stay only moments, see, because the factory is so far away; as I kneel here talking to the Lord,
This is kind a what I say:

"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD,
HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHERS FRIENDSHIP AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN. DON'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY.
SO, JESUS, THIS IS JIM CHECKING IN TODAY."


The minister feeling foolish, told Jim, that was fine. He told the man he was welcome To come and pray just anytime. Time to go, Jim smiled, said "Thanks."
He hurried to the door. The minister
knelt at the altar, he'd never done it before. His cold heart melted, warmed with love, and met with Jesus there. As the tears flowed, in his heart, he repeated old Jim's prayer:

"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, LORD,
HOW HAPPY I'VE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND EACH OTHERS FRIENDSHIP AND YOU TOOK AWAY MY SIN. I DON 'T KNOW MUCH OF HOW TO PRAY, BUT I THINK ABOUT YOU EVERYDAY.
SO, JESUS, THIS IS ME CHECKING IN TO DAY."


Past noon one day, the minister noticed that old Jim hadn't come. As more days passed without Jim, he began to worry some.
At the factory, he asked about him, learning he was ill. The hospital staff was worried, But he'd given them a thrill.

The week that Jim was with them, Brought changes in the ward. His smiles, a joy contagious.
Changed people, were his reward.
The head nurse couldn't understand why Jim was so glad, when no flowers, calls or cards came,
Not a visitor he had.
The minister stayed by his bed, He voiced the nurse's concern: No friends came to show they cared. He had nowhere to turn.

Looking surprised, old Jim spoke up and with a winsome smile; "the nurse is wrong , she couldn't know, that he's in here all the while everyday at
noon He's here, a dear friend of mine, you see,
He sits right down, takes my hand, Leans over and says to me:



"I JUST CAME AGAIN TO TELL YOU, JIM,
H OW HAPPY I HAVE BEEN, SINCE WE FOUND THIS FRIENDSHIP, AND I TOOK AWAY YOUR SIN. ALWAYS LOVE TO HEAR YOU PRAY,
I THINK ABOUT YOU

EACH DAY, AND SO JIM, THIS IS JESUS CHECKING IN TODAY."



If this blesses you, pass it on. Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart

May God hold you in the palm of His hand
and Angels watch over you.


Please pass this page on to your friends & loved ones. If you aren't ashamed. Jesus said,


" If you are ashamed of me," I will be ashamed of you before my Father."

If you are not ashamed, pass this
on. But only if you mean it.

So this is me . Just Checking In